Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.

*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”

*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

I put the I in Insufferable.

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!

Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?

Me:

Son:

Me: There are only 2 things to fear

there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord

Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here

I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭

Our Alexa flashes every time we get an Amazon delivery, which is why there are 200 teens at the door thinking we’re throwing a rave.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.

I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.

On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?

Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.

Him: no thanks

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?