Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
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Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food