Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
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Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
CUTE CAT‼︎
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
Me: Makes a Reddit post about my efforts to avoid arguing about politics with my parents over Thanksgiving.
Reddit users: Yeah, but you probably want to argue politics with strangers, right? Because I’m angry about the following things…
Nope, no thank you.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
choose your fighter
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
Just because the deodorant says 48 hours, it doesn’t mean you should challenge it
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.