Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?

Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon

Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *

– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat

Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.

Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone

Me: that’s what cell phones are for

LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?