Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
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[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?