Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…

When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat

in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.

Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables

american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!

[on a date]

him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone

me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*

My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.

INTERVIEWER: strengths?

ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument

INTERVIEWER: great

ME: which could also be a weakness…

Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.

Me: Really?

Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.

Me: What?!

Mom: He’s an alcoholic.

Me: I don’t think…

Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.

Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.

Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging

I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.

Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so