Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
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“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I’ve disappointed better people.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater