According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
A two-step guide to warning someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head
2. Say “ooh, mind your head”
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Breaking news:
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.