According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
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BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.