According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
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Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
excuse me
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*