According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
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[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
S/o to @funTweeters .
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
ready to be harvested
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine