Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

twitter actually is my diary so youre not allowed to get mad at the things i post. you’re not even supposed to be reading this. why were you going through my stuff

I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them

My husband left me this morning. Again.

he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.

I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.

The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

*Caterpillar marriage therapy*

Wife: he’s not the man I married

Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!

Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night

Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick

Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him

[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?

According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame

Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair

Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.

I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.

I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

[In meeting]

Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.