According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
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Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
are there any atheist mantises?
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
My snack didn’t taste very good.
Now I’m gonna hafta cleanse the palate w a large buffalo chicken pizza for lunch
I know. Life’s tough.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
This is so me 😂😂
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?