Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.

My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.

shakira sharkira

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet

If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.

love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.

I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear