According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
You Might Also Like
Sorry I was late I was frantically applying to other jobs
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together