Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”

Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

#MeanwhileInCanada

For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”

I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.

I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆

I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.

When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.

Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.

Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.

Daughter:

my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags

People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*

if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Billion Dollar Idea:

Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister