Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

Two mallards keep pooing in my garden, and it looks like an explosion at a piccalilli factory, so I’ve called them Simon & Garfunkel.

Yellow duck mess, my old friend.

*gets a new lease on life*

*misses first payment*

what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name

A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.

[ working from home ]

Me:

Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

my 7 year old went to his first movie theatre recently. when walking in, he asked “is the movie theatre private? like, do i have to keep my pants on in here?” and upon discovering he had to keep all his clothes on, he decided all other movies would be viewed at home

“Can I have $20?”

-how teenagers say hello

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.

Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol

How do you like your Corgi?

My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.

me: do you gift wrap

drug dealer: what

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*