According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
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Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
my boyfriend just said “i encourage you to try all things” to our cat who was licking up buffalo sauce
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
