According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
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ok like just. call me at this point
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
I am on my second week of biweekly pay so today I will be showing you how to make a quesadilla out of paper towels
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I don’t call them exes, I call them whys
Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”
The worlds greatest neurosurgeon and Dr Derek Shepherd.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.