Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horrifying if literal: foot locker

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home

Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.

*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?

I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

Dons gloves and bandana.

Saunters into restaurant.

THIS IS A TAKE OUT!

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!

Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either

*wakes up due to construction noise*

*tosses and turns all pissed off*

*finally decides to get up*

*construction noise stops*

My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended

My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.

Wordle is trying to tell me something

⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere

I’m ready for another solo vacation across the pond. My wallet however says I’m not ready.

Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies

No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

She: I like Cats
He:

*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

Guy: [pulls out knife]

Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel

Guy: [stabs me]

Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train