According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
where the womens at?
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Chicago sounds lovely.
💀💀
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
