According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
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If you respond, “My bra is too tight” every time a coworker approaches, they will stop asking you questions.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Cucumbers Anonymous
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!