According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
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Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Getting depressed while you paddle a tiny boat is called cryaking.
Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.