according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
You Might Also Like
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
[Pitching my idea]
HEAD WRITER [sighing] This isn’t just the plot of Ratatouille again, is it?
ME: Excuse me, I do have other ideas[Painfully long pause]
ME: So there’s this badger that loves cooking
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?