according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
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dogs can find happiness so easily
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
When I go out on a Friday night, I choose my outfit based on what would look best in my mugshot
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Why? Just why? 😂
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man