according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
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When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.