Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon

Looking for investors

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

I’m trying to write.

My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.

I’m trying to write.

The dog is barking at the hammer noise.

I’m trying to write.

Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.

…I’m trying to write.

TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.

*shrugs off responsibility*

weigh me now

I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.

I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.

*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3

Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]

my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.

[at oceanside seafood restaurant]

Me: Is the fish fresh here?

Waiter: Yes

*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

[War of 1812]

American: Let’s invade the British North.

Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?

A: idgaf

LATER:

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

“I bought a new car!”

Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?

“Only $3,200”

Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit

“Damn….not again”

#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!

Arrest that man!

I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies

you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice