According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
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Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
When you’re here for the treats.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.