Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
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Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Not all heroes wear capes…
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.