Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe

Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?

John Hammond: Haha what

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it

Me: I’m not surprised

Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk

just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real

I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”

“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”

“threw em out” you shrug

you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”

“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”

My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..

Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?

Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]

Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call

You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.

[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Clark Kent: kryptonite

Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?

Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct

I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t