According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
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“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Ummm
