Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years

Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.

Me: Ok, and how many at night?

I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful

[at funeral]

My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-

*casket is lowered into the ground*

-he was down to earth.

Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

this is one of the best threads in twitter history

[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]

I hope this email finds you in a well

“I need a woman like you in my life”

Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.

ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin

Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.

murderer 1: well this is awkward

murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here

murderer 1: how’s Rachel?

murderer 2: she’s good, she just-

me: EXCUSE ME

My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s

Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.

My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.