According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
You Might Also Like
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…