According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

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Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?

Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.


I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.


[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is


When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes


bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]


Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*


me looking at old pictures: why? me looking at old hair cut: why? me looking at old clothes: why? me looking at old crush: why?


My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.


I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.


Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind