According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
You Might Also Like
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
don’t we all
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?