Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.

Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?

Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit

Hubs: um…

Me: oh bugger!

Daughter: dada what are you watching?

Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.

Son: what’s it about?

Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.

[later]

Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?

Me: no idea lol.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*

ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!

CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?

ME: *Considers* … come in.

5: I need you to give me some money.

Me: Why?

5: Let me worry about that.

A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

[Dracula before he got braces]

:F

I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?

Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

I tried to order a tomorrow from Amazon, but they refused, even though they guarantee next day delivery.

#LunchPun

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

im not a very good poker player cause my eyes turn into big dollar signs when i see that i have a good hand

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.

Billy Joel: We didn’t start the fire…
Smoky the Bear: No. Of course not. Nobody ever does. *rolls eyes*

I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.

“Things. We did things”

DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M

ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense