Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there

No, he would not have.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

[date]

me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*

her: nice weather

me: thanks

Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.

My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*

Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol

[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?

Thanks to a fan for this one.

If snakes were wide

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*