Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

Been trying to expand my vocabulary so I got an app that sends you a word each morning to try and use in conversation that day but I work from home so now I’m just dropping texts in the group chat like, so the ending of Nosferatu was pretty lachrymose wouldn’t you say?

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.

One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!

Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.

First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.

good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.

“A little help here, Danny?”

[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]

Date: The wine is lovely great choice

Me: *helplessly slips off chair*

me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”

My favorite farside!!

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!

-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

it is so crazy how many hours are actually in a day when u wake up before 11:30 am…..wow………do people know about this

Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.

I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.

Laundry:

Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days

inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.