According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
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Mad Max Arctic Road
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb