Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’

-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.

I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.

Guy on an electric bike asked if I was single and I told him I’m not really “into dating right now” and he said “that’s cool” and let me ride his very cool electric bike but when it was over he said “that’s what you’re missing” and scooted off into the distance

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.

Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.

I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.

i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”

Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes