Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.

Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works

Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.

[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.

Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

*Naming my child*

WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?

ME:… Mattress?

If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.

˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı

I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.

“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours

GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn

Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.

I coughed and I heard his pee stop.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.