Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.

If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.

account balance: $1400

me at wendy’s: show me the square cows

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

doctor: jogging will extend your life

me: thanks for the warning

British drink offers for guests:

“Tea?”
“Coffee?”
“Water?”
“Squash?”
“Juice?”
“Beer?”
“Wine?”
“Something stronger perhaps?”
“I think I’ve actually got some [insert any quite obscure drink here] somewhere?”

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical

ME: Oh no

SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut

WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.

ME: Thanks.

WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.

You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.

GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.

[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed

*Turning off led flashlight.

Led flashlight: hahahahaha

I hope this email finds you-

Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!

Me: Nothing in the second?

Her: No, I skipped a period.

Me:

Her: