I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out