According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
In an alternate universe you just escaped from a research facility.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.