According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
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The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Banana is the quietest snack
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Jupiter
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My boss was bemoaning the fact that he couldn’t seem to quit smoking.
I said, “Are you’re addicted?”
He said, “Yeah, obviously.”
I said, “Do other people know you’re addicted?”
“Probably everyone knows.”
My coworkers were all struggling not to laugh, because his name is Ted.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.