Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?

Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row

FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

“You have such a great personality”

Me: Thanks, I collect them.

Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.

Me: You mean a day?

Scientist: What?

Me: What?

Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”

Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.

Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?

Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–

Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.

Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”

YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

journal

Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife

Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy

An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.

83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.

Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.

I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.

Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.

181.