According to math, I’m broke
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
