According to math, I’m broke
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Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Dead sexy!!
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
FINE, I WON’T.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE