According to math, I’m broke
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Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Worth remembering.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
i hope this email finds you fast and furious