Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
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*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
That was easy.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”