According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
You Might Also Like
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
applying for a new job
No one judges you harder than a dental receptionist when you don’t know if you’ll be free at 2pm on a random Tuesday, in six months time.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.