Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.

I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you

Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.

If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.

All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”

[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.

Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?

Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?

This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”

British websites use biscuits.

[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?

Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”

Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Him: Can I have your number?

Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.

One week of daily crunches and I have abs…urdly underestimated how long it will take to see results.

“I hope to find you well.”

I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.

Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.

My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample

getting real sick and tired of my therapist knowing what tf he’s talking about when it comes to me and my issues.

І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.

👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!

*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*

Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.

[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.