According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
My bf said he was sick of my jokes about ghosts having sex with owls.
Well, boo-fucking-hoo.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.