According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
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What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
When I was younger, I thought a taxidermist was a dermatologist that arrived in taxis.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”