Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

When I was young I fixed my parents’ computer and now that I’m older I fix computers for my kids. Are we the only generation that knows how computers work?

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

Check out the legs on this baby

have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”

Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.

Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?

[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it