Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.

How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.

ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box

PRISON GUARD: Still no

“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.

learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument

i broke into my neighbors house and put one (1) pringle in their bag of lays potato chips

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.

It’s called an oughtobiography.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today

We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.

Reasons I wish I was an octopus:

1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.

2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.

3. Stop sign hugs.

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.

The internet is undefeated.. 😂

“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.

Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?

That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.

*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.