According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
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Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Me- Tonight’s menu consists of savory wild fowl and a side of greens a la creme de mushrooms complete with a robust sprinkling of onions
14- So Turkey and green bean casserole again?
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
lol
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
road rage