Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

sober me: where’s my phone?

drunk me: I’ll never tell

refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this

You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”

When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.

Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?

FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.

Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?

“sandwich” please this thing cost me $18 it’s a “handheld”

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

[scrabble]

BATMAN: pass

SUPERMAN: again?

BATMAN: can’t spell anything

SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT

Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*

Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here

Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that

Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”

Me “There’s WINE delivery?”

Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?

Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.

taking June’s advice to heart

I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.

The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.