According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
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NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
How high do the levels go?
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”