According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
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I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
Microplastics are a waste of time. I’m going straight to eating whole milk jugs
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
He has no idea 🤡
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ