According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
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It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
The cool thing about ignoring a notification is being surprised to see it over and over again
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
thanksgiving should be called feaster
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up