Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins

Me: i’m taking a plane Linda

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.

Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this

ME: [gets into a car accident]

EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.

Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.

-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?

Um, like…to dinner.

-Cool, cool.

Storm Tropical Storm

Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times

The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.

People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.