According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
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If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
The instructions say to place the burrito on one microwave safe plate and to put another microwave safe plate on top of it before heating. Were these instructions written by big dishwasher?
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go
it’s either covid or clever vampires
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
This raises questions
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
I fell off a podium in front of 200 people after doing a reading at my uncle’s funeral, hobbled back to my pew with a swollen sprained ankle, sat down turned to my son and he asked me for a snack
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
The booster protects against what, now?
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me