Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family

Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday

Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob bee

Mason bee: just make house
Me: build a way b

Honey bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortment

Bumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*

Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

King: the rebels are revolting

Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that

King: no, no, I mea-

Rebels: why king

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats

Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it

why do i pat the top of my sandwich like great job now you must die.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.

people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so

I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed

ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here

[police questioning a friend about my murder]

Police: Did he have any enemies

Friend: Boy did he ever

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”

me: eat this food

baby: never

me: the food is now an airplane

baby: “never” was a strong word

*aggressively waits in line*

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.