Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*

I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”

ME: I wish I could fix this problem

SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-

ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”

Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”

I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.

Dear Mr. Horsefly:

Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.

Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.

I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.

The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

Seek kebab; not attention

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.

*adds salt to resume*

My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.

Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…

Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool