According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas
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Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
My girlfriend dumped me so i stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
That was easy.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
