Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.

What do you mean I can’t change the past?

*logs on to Wikipedia*

*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorry

Canadian boxing

Taking phone security to the next level.

If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED

NED

50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT

NED

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME

excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is

me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.

Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming

“But dad we’re goldfish”

Oh yeah, I forgot

“Forgot what?”

The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive

this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

*limbos under the caution tape

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

*Feels the chill*

Chill: I have a boyfriend

The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.

The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.

And throw them.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets