According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

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[job interview]

Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”

Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”


Sorry I called your baby ugly

I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”


BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.


I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…



Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.


Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” has never had a spider disappear in their bedroom.


*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?


3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.

So the weekend is off to a great start.


“Well, very clearly cats were sacred to them.” – Archeologist who discovers the Internet