@robyn_vo

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

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@EricaWhoToYou

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

@TheMichaelRock

It’s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can’t even dress the kids properly.

@Isyscupids

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

@hrtbps

“How can it be global warming,” pondered @realDonaldTrump, “if it’s cold outside? Cold is the opposite of warm. Science is hard.”

@GrantTanaka

January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT

@david8hughes

[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty

@KatieBurnett

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

@JennSlowpez

It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.