According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
My Guy
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.