According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
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Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts