According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
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MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
Hilarious if literal: arms race
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Lol.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Never knew why pajama tops had pockets on them, but I just filled mine up with cookies to bring back to bed and now it makes complete sense.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me