Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:

The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day

A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.

Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING

I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.

Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History

CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?

CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”

I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.

Dance like you’re not the father

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.

Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?

Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?

If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out