Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
You Might Also Like
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t