According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
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I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.
I do this on a Steffi Graph.
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
There will never be a perfect time. Make that mistake now.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.